How to humiliate yourself in five easy steps. (With bonus Robin Hood Prince Of Thieves movie review)

You too can become the master of any social situation. Its as easy as 1 2 3 (4 5).

1. When a total stanger introduces himself, completely forget your own first name.
2. Panic
3. In your panic introduce yourself as the friend standing directly beside you and not as yourself. Babble a lot.
4. Let your friend straighten things out.
5. Blush a nice deep purple. Don't be subtle about it. Let them KNOW your embaressed

Yes That accually happened at Elim with Faith, myself and a nice person who thankfully didn't burst into hysterics or at least saved them for later. Is this the stuff we look back on and laugh at when we are 90?

In other new, I watched Robin Hood Prince of Thieves with Kevin Costner and I am sorry to say thought it was dastardly. Horrible. Wretched even.

Here's why. (Yes, I made a list)

• It is the same old bowl of soup. Stop the bad guy/marry the girl etc etc plot which unfolds while staying completely free of anything resembling the legend or anything that may be considered a shred of creativity. Oh yes, there is also lots of fights and big, flashy explosions.
• The script is like a high number of "big" movies. Recycled body parts include the title (from a 19th century Alexandre Dumas novel and 1949 film about Robin Hood), a few forgivable borrowings from Errol Flynn, big explosions (thanks to anachronistic gunpowder) of many action films, villains falling out of windows, dying twice, and the bad guy actor himself from Die Hard, the murdered parents, grim hero and psychotic, henchman-killing bad guy from Batman, and the star and certain scenes from Dances with Wolves.
• And the dialogue, well usually it's just normal fare with the occasional tendency towards the absurd. The new agey "Did I wrong you in another life, Will Scarlett?" *Shudder* Worst. Possible. Line!!!!
• And while the speeches in the movie are meant to be inspiring, the acting is far from it. This is Kevin C. "mumble mumble youcouldtryfightingback mumble cough." Dry! Speak up man! Or the "Oh and pick up some milk on the way home delivery to "Tell the sheriff for every harm he does these people I will visit it back on him tenfold" or esspecially "No, to lead you." Bland and lacking of the confidence and self assuredness he is supposed to be displaying. Is Kevin C dealing with laringitis?
• Two scenes in particular show the problem with Costner's Robin. The outlaw's activities bring retribution from the sheriff. Homes are destroyed and peasants chased out of their villages. The peasants, hurt and homeless, come to Sherwood to confront our hero. Costner's Robin uses a tone of voice that is not much different than his previous scenes. His grin which seemed playful in taunting Azeem, just comes off as smug when he asks "Do you think the sheriff will give everything back once I am gone?" When told what the soldiers will take, Robin says the supposedly inspiring "By God, we'll take it back" in same flat tone of voice as everything else. By playing up the peasants' suffering and underplaying Robin's line delivery, Costner comes off as oblivious to the concerns of the poor. He is a Robin so wrapped up in his cause that he ignores the suffering of others. But I get the feeling, this isn't the way the scene was meant to be interpreted.
• As a bookend to that scene, Robin and the outlaws later redistribute wealth to one of those peasant villages. The poor are delighted to receive help and say things like "God bless Robin Hood!" Costner keeps a stone-faced grimace in this scene. Lives have been helped, but he doesn't share in the joy. He smiles at sadness and frowns at delight. Costner's Robin seems to lack any trace of empathy. He saved the village! What a horrid day.
• Now the Sherriff. Rickman is the ultimate panto baddy, never missing a chance to leer, sneer and screech things like "Locksley, I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!" Then there's his response to Robin's popularity -- "That's it then! Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings and call off Christmas!" The sheriff even tells a child, "it's amazing I'm sane" -- pure Christmas pantomime. Both Rickman and the sheriff seem to be having a lot of fun.
• The sheriff's intended rape of Marian seems so comical, I'm not sure who we are supposed to be rooting for. Was this meant to be a funny rape? (Apparently, the comedy in this scene was Rickman's idea.) It's another scene of pure panto, but I can't remember any children's shows staging a rape (not counting of course, the disturbing necrophiliac tendencies of Prince Charming). This is one of many instances where I have to wonder what the filmmakers were thinking.
• A better performance comes from Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio as Marian. She delivers the banter well and fights fairly well when required to. Still I think it's case of making the best of what she's given. It's hard to manufacture romantic chemistry with Costner's Robin, and the plot dictates that a capable and fiery feminist turn into a helpless and shrieking damsel in distress, just waiting for her yeoman in Lincoln green to come to the rescue. As Marian is most successful in fighting the good guys, I think the script betrays her character. And despite what some critics have said, this Marian is hardly the first fighting version of the character. This is what stuck out the most for me. Hey Marian. You can beat up Robin but have a little trouble with the sherriff? What gives?
• And as always, Robin's mission is to help the peasants. A plain, simple folk who need the guidance of a nobleman to tell them what to do, what to think, how to behave? [Will Scarlett's mother is simply "a peasant woman" -- she doesn't even rate a name or a personality. ] This portrayal of dim-witted peasants seems at odds with Costner's dialogue such as "Nobility's not a birthright" or "Don't call me sire." Am I the only one who detects a bit of condescension and hypocrisy in the supposedly liberal democratic values of Prince of Thieves?

Whew! That was a lot of typing. It wasn't all badhowever, to be fair. The scenery and visual effects were great and some of the characters (Fanny, Friar Tuck, etc.) were superb. Congrats.

I will end with my 2 favorite quote:

[the Sheriff has said he'll cut out Robin Hood's heart with a spoon] Guy of Gisborne: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe? Sheriff of Nottingham: Because it's DULL, you twit, it'll hurt more

Sheriff of Nottingham: Wait a minute. Robin Hood steals money from my pocket, forcing me to hurt the public, and they love him for it? [Scribe nods] Sheriff of Nottingham: That's it then. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.

Peace Out